So the person I was supposed to go out with tonite had to cancel. And I understand. Once 3 people call out, it is inevitable that someone has to pick up the slack and close. At which point, the only thing you want to do at 10pm is go home and sleep.
But, we have history, and we have never dated, or slept together. The history goes as such: I was seeing someone for about a month. He (I'll call him "The Admiral") and I connected the night we met. Talking and drinking, leading to a hell of a make-out session. See each other again, repeat actions. This has been going on for about 9 months now. We cannot leave each other alone. He even met my boyfriend once, and ended up buying him a drink...on purpose. Thought it was quite amusing.
When I broke up with my ex, he was back with his ex, whom I also had the "pleasure" of meeting. Needless to say, it was obvious we neither of us were quite happy in our relationships.
The truth is, no one has made my stomach flip like this person does in a very long time. My friends don't understand it. I'm sure they can't stand him...correction...they canNOT stand him. I'm sure it's because he is a cocky bastard.
But this is the first person to make me feel vulnerable in a long time. The first (male) person to just accept me, no questions asked. I'm treading on weird territory. I'm just not sure where to go with this.
He challenges me, he frustrates me, he is the first person I've been able to look in the face and not be able to just read immediately. It's very rare when I can't read someone immediately. He is a complicated person. Now granted, he has his moments when I want to slam his head into a wall. But, really...I don't think there's a person on the planet who has ever NOT wanted to do that to the person they are with.
But seriously - how can there be that much of a connection with someone that I barely know? I sound crazy when I say this but, I'm drawn to him - like a magnet to metal. I just want to be near him all the time. And not in that "I need him" type way. But in that, "I just like the way he feels, and smells, and the way he makes me feel" kind of way. Almost as though he's a drug, a habit I can't quite kick.
I don't like that feeling - that full vulnerability, the idea that I could possibly be that exposed so easily. That it makes you tell them the truth about how you feel, rather than hide it, and play coy, playing those games that come so easily to some women. I can't be like that. I live in my head so much. I can't hide that kind of raw emotion.
To be honest, he's one of the many reasons I left my now ex-boyfriend. And after doing so, I found out he'd gone back to his ex. I just felt I couldn't live with the "what if" factor anymore. I have to know what it would be like with him. As if the sexual draw isn't difficult enough to maintain (because frankly, he exudes sex...at least to me). Add into that how much he appeals to my brain...It's hard being a woman around that man.
I don't know how to feel right now. I'm torn between wanting to scream at him, "Come over! Let's just get it over with!" and having the patience to wait it out. I mean, we waited it out before. Right? But can I continue to just keep biding my time with randoms while I wait on him?
I had another offer for tonight too. A full night of anything - movie, dinner, cuddling on a sofa - whatever, with another man. A wonderful man. Who would do anything for me. The question is, should I take up "Mr. Wonderful" over "The Admiral" tonight. We are always taught, "Don't put your eggs in one basket." I've been talking to "Mr. Wonderful" for over a week. "The Admiral" has only been randomly over the last 9 months. And it took 4 months since our last meeting before last Thursday.
I think I'll take up "Mr. Wonderful" tonight on his offer, see how it goes. Maybe I've put too much pressure on "The Admiral," built him up, put him on a pedestal. Then again, I could just be trying to hide myself because he sees me for exactly for what I am.
But, we have history, and we have never dated, or slept together. The history goes as such: I was seeing someone for about a month. He (I'll call him "The Admiral") and I connected the night we met. Talking and drinking, leading to a hell of a make-out session. See each other again, repeat actions. This has been going on for about 9 months now. We cannot leave each other alone. He even met my boyfriend once, and ended up buying him a drink...on purpose. Thought it was quite amusing.
When I broke up with my ex, he was back with his ex, whom I also had the "pleasure" of meeting. Needless to say, it was obvious we neither of us were quite happy in our relationships.
The truth is, no one has made my stomach flip like this person does in a very long time. My friends don't understand it. I'm sure they can't stand him...correction...they canNOT stand him. I'm sure it's because he is a cocky bastard.
But this is the first person to make me feel vulnerable in a long time. The first (male) person to just accept me, no questions asked. I'm treading on weird territory. I'm just not sure where to go with this.
He challenges me, he frustrates me, he is the first person I've been able to look in the face and not be able to just read immediately. It's very rare when I can't read someone immediately. He is a complicated person. Now granted, he has his moments when I want to slam his head into a wall. But, really...I don't think there's a person on the planet who has ever NOT wanted to do that to the person they are with.
But seriously - how can there be that much of a connection with someone that I barely know? I sound crazy when I say this but, I'm drawn to him - like a magnet to metal. I just want to be near him all the time. And not in that "I need him" type way. But in that, "I just like the way he feels, and smells, and the way he makes me feel" kind of way. Almost as though he's a drug, a habit I can't quite kick.
I don't like that feeling - that full vulnerability, the idea that I could possibly be that exposed so easily. That it makes you tell them the truth about how you feel, rather than hide it, and play coy, playing those games that come so easily to some women. I can't be like that. I live in my head so much. I can't hide that kind of raw emotion.
To be honest, he's one of the many reasons I left my now ex-boyfriend. And after doing so, I found out he'd gone back to his ex. I just felt I couldn't live with the "what if" factor anymore. I have to know what it would be like with him. As if the sexual draw isn't difficult enough to maintain (because frankly, he exudes sex...at least to me). Add into that how much he appeals to my brain...It's hard being a woman around that man.
I don't know how to feel right now. I'm torn between wanting to scream at him, "Come over! Let's just get it over with!" and having the patience to wait it out. I mean, we waited it out before. Right? But can I continue to just keep biding my time with randoms while I wait on him?
I had another offer for tonight too. A full night of anything - movie, dinner, cuddling on a sofa - whatever, with another man. A wonderful man. Who would do anything for me. The question is, should I take up "Mr. Wonderful" over "The Admiral" tonight. We are always taught, "Don't put your eggs in one basket." I've been talking to "Mr. Wonderful" for over a week. "The Admiral" has only been randomly over the last 9 months. And it took 4 months since our last meeting before last Thursday.
I think I'll take up "Mr. Wonderful" tonight on his offer, see how it goes. Maybe I've put too much pressure on "The Admiral," built him up, put him on a pedestal. Then again, I could just be trying to hide myself because he sees me for exactly for what I am.
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